By Dr. Froswa Booker-Drew
Life is filled with conflict. There are times that you will find yourself in opposition with someone. We don’t always agree and sometimes relationships are severed because of our differences. It’s particularly difficult when it is a close friendship or intimate relationship. What starts out as friendly and loving can result in anger, disappointment, and pain.
I remember when they met. ‘Sharlene’ was so in love with ‘Trey’. Every other sentence was a reference to something he said or did. They were inseparable and after years of marriage, things began to change. Unresolved issues became obstacles to healing. Three kids and two dogs later, arguments became their regular mode of communication. It wasn’t working. Getting even became the norm. Their friends became divided, taking sides.
Love relationships are not the only relationships free from conflict. Friendships, too, have problems. Kingsley and Barbara became fast friends. Their friendship was rooted in their dreams to conquer the world.
They came up with ideas to implement and soon, Kingsley saw that Barbara wasn’t as committed to the project and didn’t invest as much as he did. He felt used and that she wasn’t who she said she was. Their friendship and business relationship ended on terrible terms. There was a lot of anger, pain, and resentment.
Revengeful acts became common with the two including sabotage and even reputation destroying gossip.
Two very different scenarios that have similar circumstances: Relationships that changed fueled by intense emotions. Lives disrupted and altered. Collateral damage impacting anyone who was remotely involved. In both scenarios, I witnessed their emotions become weapons of mass destruction. We’ve all heard that there is a thin line between love and hate. They are both very powerful emotions.
As Christians, I think we get it twisted in believing that we won’t experience anger or the desire to get back at those who hurt us. Although those feelings are real, we have the power to determine how we deal with them and those who hurt us.
If we are not careful, our anger can cause us to do things that are hurtful and harmful. Before we say and do things that can create damage to ourselves and others, we need to pause, reflect, and find a resolution. “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again.” (Matthew 18:15-17, MSG)
Allowing anger to fester doesn’t solve anything but creates resentment and even hatred. “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:19-20 )
If we are not careful, unchecked anger can result in actions such as acts of revenge. The Bible is very clear on the dangers of revenge. ‘Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord. (Leviticus 19:18) Sometimes loving someone means that the relationship is not healthy and that it’s time to walk away amicably. Holding grudges gives your power to the other person instead of letting the pain go and giving it to God. “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.
On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9) When we take matters into our own hands to get others back, we are demonstrating that we do not trust God to take care of the situation. By taking matters into our hands, we believe that we can do it better.
Letting go, forgiving others isn’t easy. It’s recognizing that the battle is God’s. It’s knowing that by remaining angry or committing acts of revenge, we give our power away instead of knowing that God has all power and will handle the situation.
Dr. Froswa’ Booker-Drew is the host of the Tapestry Podcast and the author of three books for women. She is also the Vice President of Community Affairs for the State Fair of Texas. To learn more, visit drfroswa.com.
